This of course, is a trick question. You knew that, right? You know that from my mouth this type of question is only ever going to result in one answer? And that is, you should pick whoever feels right for you, regardless of them being male or female. Right? Right!
This post came about because I was talking to one of my wedding planner friends the other day and she was telling me about a fab couple and their wedding that she’s working on for next year. She mentioned how well I would’ve gotten on with them, as we had similar outlooks and ideas but that it was a shame because they wanted a male celebrant. How odd, I thought? Well, actually I thought WTF! I mean, where does this idea, or preference come from? How do couples arrive at a conclusion that they prefer one sex over another? What does a male celebrant bring to the table that a woman doesn’t? And why would couples limit themselves from the outset, without first exploring ALL of the options available to them?
Odd as it may seem, there are still some couples who have a strong preference for a male celebrant. A long time ago, I could have understood this, but now, I can’t say I do. I know that historically because weddings derived through the church and the clergymen were always men, it was therefore always the case that men officiated ceremonies.
But times have changed, have you noticed? We now have a whole array of both male and female celebrants and clergy too, of all colours, shapes and sizes. So surely, choosing your celebrant on how well suited they are to you and your ideas for your ceremony and what they will bring to your ceremony, should be your most important considerations? Not what sex they are!
Gender or ability?
I have had people, even women, say to me at weddings that I’ve conducted that they weren’t expecting a woman to be officiating the ceremony! That comment is always met with a ‘WHY?’ and a very bemused look on my face. (This is me being forcibly polite!) What a thing to think, let alone vocalise. But then it makes me realise that some people still do have a very traditional idea of who the person officiating a ceremony should be.
Being a woman and a celebrant, I can sit here a reel off a whole host of virtues that women have, which I think makes them great candidates for being a celebrant. But I could say the same for men too. I don’t believe there should be a gender divide.
One’s gender does not necessarily make you a better wedding celebrant. Just as you have amazing male and female wedding celebrants, I imagine you also have not so great male and female celebrants and I imagine this goes for clergy too. Hopefully the former, outweighs the latter, as I’m sure it does! But the reason why someone is good (or not) at what they do isn’t because of their sex. It’s down to their kick-ass wonderfulness as a human being.
The wedding registrar who married us, was a woman. She was very kind, sweet and extremely personable, (although I did think she muttered a little bit) but equally a man could have been the same. As a woman, I like the idea that a woman married us, in fact I love it, but her gender was not our first thought when planning our ceremony. We had no choice in who married us anyway, as it was a civil ceremony (although I’m sure in some places you are given a preference). But even if we did, I wouldn’t have had a preference.
Gender bias
I think we should be careful not to use gender assumptions when making decisions about celebrants. We shouldn’t assume that a woman will be kindly, empathetic and loving and a man will be calm, authoritative and charming or whatever else assumptions people make based on gender. These qualities I believe, are shared demeanours of both sexes and are character traits, not gender traits. I like to think that as a celebrant, as do many of my colleagues, (male and female) we have a combination of all of these characteristics.
So my point is folks, I don’t think you should set out thinking, I want a male celebrant or I want a female celebrant, but that you want a great celebrant. Then, once you have narrowed down your choices based on your rapport with that person, what they can do for you, their availability and willingness, then you should make your decision. Perhaps, at the decision-making stage your preference for wanting one gender over another may kick in, and that of course is not a problem because you will have already taken everything else into account.
So are you with me? I hope to hell you are. Look for brilliance in your celebrant, and nothing else. That is all.
I know I’ve been overlooked on a couple of occasions because I’m male. It would make great reading if I stood up and disagreed with your words, but m sorry, I’m with you 100%!
Thanks Michael. I appreciate your comments and for agreeing with me, ha ha!
Please, please take this and post it on Medium as a long-form essay! I think that the world needs to read this. It is so articulate and important and I selfishly wish I had written it. 🙂
I have DEFINITELY experienced this all as a female officiant. I am on a number of referral sites here at the US and frequently see jobs come through that say “male only.” I think that people say that because of this old tradition of make clergy that is outdated outside the church. It’s also related to ideas of traditional marital roles, as if who marries you will be what defines your the gender roles of your own relationship. At my very first networking event in town when I became a wedding officiant, a male officiant said to me “But you’re a woman?!” and I really didn’t know what to say back which is “You’re right!” I also get feedback from people who are like “It’s so cool you’re a woman!” too. I appreciate it, but it feels weird to hear that in 2015.
Two other semi-related issues, which may be US-centric:
– Along with this, I have also been thinking of race when it comes to being an officiant. I have recently been performing a high number of African-American weddings and when I tentatively broached the subject with one bride, I was told more or less that I was one of the only non-religious officiants who has diverse couples on her site. That made me feel like all sorts of things… glad to be of service, wondering whether it mattered, and sad about the wedding industry, among other feelings. I’d be curious to hear your take someday on the desire to pick someone of your culture.
– On the sexism front, I’ve also found that women friends have acted weird toward me since I made this career change to wedding officiant from more “traditional corporate” consulting. I’ve been asked “How can that be more than a hobby?” and “Aren’t you worried what people will think of you professionally?” because weddings are perceived as frivolous. It’s been very interesting to receive that feedback as a woman. So am I a trailbrazer … or am I just a silly girl? And why can’t I just do something I really like, do well and get paid at it?
Thanks for your post!!
Thank you so much Tracy for your lovely comments. You too have given me so much food for thought. And I’m sure I’ll be returning to this topic in greater detail. It is so odd that in 2015 these perceptions are still around and it’s interesting what you say about race, as sometimes although I have no grounds for this, I wonder if people take this into account (even subconsciously) when thinking of booking me. I once had the unfortunate experience of going to a meeting, which was attended by the prospective bride and groom and their family member who I knew of, and who had initiated the meeting. On approaching them, (they hadn’t seem me) I heard the family member ask the couple if they realised that I was black! To which they replied ‘yes’ in a way which suggested they couldn’t care in the slightest. I went on to marry them in the loveliest of ceremonies but it did upset me that this person even felt the need to ask. I think as we are human beings we can find a whole manner of reasons why people might not want us to officiate their weddings, wrong sex, wrong colour, wrong face, so many reasons, wrongly or rightly! We just have to do our best and be ourselves! As for your comments about friends finding your vocation strange, that is just odd. I don’t even understand where they are coming from there! Whatever happened to sisterhood!
I am getting married this year and we are having a male officiant. I only wanted a male officiant and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m not a woman hater because I’m a woman and I think I have a right to choose a male officiant over a woman. My sisters all had male pastors and officiants too. There’s no particular reason for it, it’s just what we prefer.
Hi Katy, thanks for your comment. Of course, you are entitled to choose whoever you like for your ceremony. My question simply is, what prompts people to pick one gender over another. And even in your case, it seems like you don’t even know why! So this is why I wrote this post to try and encourage people to think about who they choose before they choose them and to make sure they are choosing someone for the right reasons!
Hi Natasha
How sad that in the 21st century we still have to have discussions of this nature. Thank-you for writing this article Natasha. I am so happy I just found your site!
I have long wanted to write about my experiences, as I encounter a lot of prejudice So I was delighted when I found this article! I have so many experiences to relate, as I have been a Celebrant for a decade.
I have never received a negative reaction or complaint after a ceremony.. only reticence on occasion before a Bride to be has spoken to me. That’s why I always suggest an initial Skype meeting. They are usually ok after that:)
In general though I have found that there is still an outmoded idea that men are somehow more ‘authoritarian’ or command more respect.. or some such nonsense. If you are discriminated against in many industries you can complain to an industrial tribunal.. unfortunately such a body does not exist in the Celebrancy world.. what a pity!
To the Lady who wrote that she has ‘no particular reason’ for preferring a Male Celebrant.. this doesn’t really make a lot of sense. You must have a reason.. at least one…?
As in any profession, a person should be assessed by their abilities and personal virtues, surely not their gender… or colour!
Hey Diane, thank you so much for your insightful comments. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it is crazy that we are even talking about this, that I even had to write a post about it! But I guess no matter how much we know our worth as human beings, people will still judge us by our looks, colour and gender! There is most definitely some insulting presumptions made by people about female celebrants but I’d like to think with time they will diminish and people will just consider someone on their abilities and professionalism, above all! x Thanks so much for connecting x
It’s a free world and couples have a right to choose who they think will be the most appropriate Celebrant for them of course. They should be encouraged to make an informed choice and not to judge soley on appearance.. sadly, as you say…
Too often people judge a book by it’s cover.. and don’t even make an attempt to read the first page.This is especially true of the internet. I’ve written so much text on our site to enable couples to understand our ethos but I’m not sure that many people take the time to read.
You site is wonderful, so informative but entertaining at the same time… You should be very proud of your achievements.